i am in love.
that is the most important thing.

my head is heavy and my mouth stays shut
and dry. if i can't speak
then i won't and you'll never know
how much i am hurting.

every molecule of oxygen is an adrenaline rush
and a single sober moment
turns into three lonely weeks
and no one knows where i've gone.
i don't know who you are and
you don't know where i am.

three bottles,
three hundred pills,
7500mg gone in a month.
i'm just biding my time,
changing my mind for fun
and shutting down my organs out of boredom
while you go find yourself.

"if you are waiting for me to come back
then think hard about the person you are
while i'm gone, and make sure you are someone
i would even want to come back to."

when i see you like you promised
will you cure me
will i see you like you promised
will you love me

i am in love.
that is the most painful thing.

morning glory

the horizon gives birth to the sun at seven in the morning
and its fresh fingers press against my sunburnt shoulder through the curtains of my window,
as it begins its childish, desperate search for a lover on earth
who can embrace its ferocity.
it hurts but i am touch starved. i don't have anyone else.
for two more hours we share this moment,
sweating, lying with each other, knowing this is not enough but it is all we have
and my skin is blistering
until it naturally rolls over and leaves without a word.
the world moves on without me.
time leaves behind my fragile, used body
and will never give me enough time to heal
before tomorrow morning, when it will inevitably come slinking back to my bed
and nothing has changed.

june in april

the years tear a rift between you and yourself and everyone else
and still you manage to reach across it
reach me
but i can't reach back to you

i think your hands are warm since mine are so cold
you tell me to close my eyes and think about it
so i do
and when i open them again i am holding your shirt and you are gripping my heart

my whole body is yours
i wish i could touch you
my whole life is yours
you fold your arms over your ribcage

my skin is completely transparent
i did that for you

i stared at you
you stared down
our thumbs press together through the fragile glass for an instant
"did you feel it vibrate?"
i wish i could touch you

the look on his face is painful when he realizes
i hide my whole life from him and he will never know
he can never know about you

you tighten your grip

the feeling in my chest is painful when i realize
i just never know
i can't ever know about you

false gods

your worshippers are desperate and innocent children.

they fall to their knees in front of the sarcophagus
knowing only that they have been promised their salvation
if they bare their soul without hesitation

i hit the dirt floor and the scrapes turn into wounds
and the wounds fill with the dirt
and the wounds fill with puss to reject the dirt

i scoot slightly past the "DO NOT CROSS" line
and i tell everything everything everything everything
here is my soul here it is take it it's yours please save it please save me

your sarcophagus smells like rotting meat.

open up


it writhes.
its fur grazes against the insides of my throats.


i could not close them in the first place.
i am truly sorry
for what i've done.


the feeling of my body expanding
is funny. it writhes.
its fur grazes against the inside of my stomach.


it writhes.
i'm sorry for what i've done
i think.


they are always open.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i don't want this i'm sorry
but i always have do it again

sweet hearts

a full stomach and an empty heart. i ate it all
heart blood. bleeding hearts.
chocolate hearts. chocolate love. eat your heart out.

hot blue veins. i grab your wrist
you push it back i grab your wrist you push it back i grab your
infinity loop. i kiss you for eternity.
your hand burns.

our wax lips melt together.
the red crayons and the hersheys kisses
i hid inside my brain are fusing.
say you'll kiss me, one more


i thought i saw you in the back of a cop car
but the handcuffs are on me now.

stone breaths

standing frozen. standing, a statue, caught in the mirror, carved out of fear, and you the sculptor.

unyielding marble skin, cold breath, and fissures in the neck; even lead will turn to diamond under pressure.

the atmosphere grows heavy. it soaks up the omnipresent sweat from your forehead, the bad intentions on your breath, and pushes on my shoulders while Vanity holds your hand and helps to pull me

into your lap. i stare. you smirk.

the solar system is now a geocentric model and the center of all gravity shifts to us. we pull the walls of the room down as it collapses in on itself. i cannot breathe. nothing can stop us now.

"you've always loved me. don't lie to me." the atmosphere greedily absorbs the weight of your words. there is not enough air in the room.

rocks. rocks. rocks. rocks everywhere -
i've always hated the feeling being a toy.

"next time can you scream?"
yes and no. yes i can. no i cant. somehow i cant. i can and i want to but i cant and i want to but i cant and i want to but i am frozen, fear is cold and panic is stone.

repressing something for the hundredth time

talking into my own spine, fingers crossed, eyes rolled back,
gazing into heaven
i hear nothing but a distant and incessant C sharp beep
and the crack of my wings
breaking at the base again
breathing through my ears, shoulders tense,
a scream in the back of my throat
rips at the cords in my
bruised neck
coughing, choking on feathers
teeth breaching my lower lip
an end by this hand
a deadpan stare at my fate


butterflies resting on the dead man's skull.
"you don't know what someone is capable of
until their hands are around your neck
and it's happening."
butterflies resting on the dead man's skull.

there's something calming about being in love with you.
"you have to run, now."
"no. she would never hurt me."
"you never know, you can never really know.
i'm begging you, please, leave before it's too
"i won't.
i'd like to think i wouldn't mind dying by her hand anyway."
there's something calming about being in love with you.

this shit again, huh?

a train six thousand miles away that comes speeding back at seven thousand miles per hour and crashes through my cold bedroom walls -

i was praying for another night like this.
she was asleep.

counting lines on college ruled pages, it's useless counting how many times
i've thought of you, but
i hope i've thought of her twice as much.
i always need someone to posses me because i cannot take responsibility for my own actions
and words and thoughts
without someone to answer to i have


let go

of me.

another breath lost to the limitless chasm that opens up and spans the small time of the infinite years i knew you; as the memories are downloaded from cloud storage they overload my brain and my heart speeds up and slows down in a standoff with itself, guns are drawn and loaded with shells and empty threats; this is a hostile area -

i will never know if she woke up
but i thought i heard her voice.

- pulls me into the current, cast me away as the cogs defy their rusted state and lurch counterclockwise, pausing momentarily for me to hit my head on the thought of your face, your skin, your voice, and i never wanted to remember this

i am dying, i swear i am i promise i really am i hope i am

my weak arms clutch my pillow and a tie-dyed plush.
this body trembles in fear,
speech lost to confusion,
throat closed and eyes wet
with emotion.
really, how is this different from five, six years ago?

how many times will i rephrase this?
you touched me too many times
and somehow it's still
not enough

don't ever come back.
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