real at last

im so sad that my stomach hurts
words swallowed with a spoonful of honey solidify in my bones and crystallize
and you think about how pretty my heart would look on her dainty, gentle, delicate, beautiful finger

siphon my blood into your bedroom
where the two of you lay in love
inside the hallowed space of my chest
i hollowed out for you to be safe

you've grown into expensive wine
and moved out of me
i still don't make money
and i sit in my room with your shirt

everything is too real now

i am falling from a dizzying height
you led me to. you held my hand the whole way up.
no one will be waiting when i make impact.

my phone buzzes at another telemarketer
"i missed you"

i hang up.


i am in love.
that is the most important thing.

my head is heavy and my mouth stays shut
and dry. if i can't speak
then i won't and you'll never know
how much i am hurting.

every molecule of oxygen is an adrenaline rush
and a single sober moment
turns into three lonely weeks
and no one knows where i've gone.
i don't know who you are and
you don't know where i am.

three bottles,
three hundred pills,
7500mg gone in a month.
i'm just biding my time,
changing my mind for fun
and shutting down my organs out of boredom
while you go find yourself.

"if you are waiting for me to come back
then think hard about the person you are
while i'm gone, and make sure you are someone
i would even want to come back to."

when i see you like you promised
will you cure me
will i see you like you promised
will you love me

i am in love.
that is the most painful thing.

morning glory

the horizon gives birth to the sun at seven in the morning
and its fresh fingers press against my sunburnt shoulder through the curtains of my window,
as it begins its childish, desperate search for a lover on earth
who can embrace its ferocity.
it hurts but i am touch starved. i don't have anyone else.
for two more hours we share this moment,
sweating, lying with each other, knowing this is not enough but it is all we have
and my skin is blistering
until it naturally rolls over and leaves without a word.
the world moves on without me.
time leaves behind my fragile, used body
and will never give me enough time to heal
before tomorrow morning, when it will inevitably come slinking back to my bed
and nothing has changed.

june in april

the years tear a rift between you and yourself and everyone else
and still you manage to reach across it
reach me
but i can't reach back to you

i think your hands are warm since mine are so cold
you tell me to close my eyes and think about it
so i do
and when i open them again i am holding your shirt and you are gripping my heart

my whole body is yours
i wish i could touch you
my whole life is yours
you fold your arms over your ribcage

my skin is completely transparent
i did that for you

i stared at you
you stared down
our thumbs press together through the fragile glass for an instant
"did you feel it vibrate?"
i wish i could touch you

the look on his face is painful when he realizes
i hide my whole life from him and he will never know
he can never know about you

you tighten your grip

the feeling in my chest is painful when i realize
i just never know
i can't ever know about you

false gods

your worshippers are desperate and innocent children.

they fall to their knees in front of the sarcophagus
knowing only that they have been promised their salvation
if they bare their soul without hesitation

i hit the dirt floor and the scrapes turn into wounds
and the wounds fill with the dirt
and the wounds fill with puss to reject the dirt

i scoot slightly past the "DO NOT CROSS" line
and i tell everything everything everything everything
here is my soul here it is take it it's yours please save it please save me

your sarcophagus smells like rotting meat.

open up


it writhes.
its fur grazes against the insides of my throats.


i could not close them in the first place.
i am truly sorry
for what i've done.


the feeling of my body expanding
is funny. it writhes.
its fur grazes against the inside of my stomach.


it writhes.
i'm sorry for what i've done
i think.


they are always open.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i don't want this i'm sorry
but i always have do it again

sweet hearts

a full stomach and an empty heart. i ate it all
heart blood. bleeding hearts.
chocolate hearts. chocolate love. eat your heart out.

hot blue veins. i grab your wrist
you push it back i grab your wrist you push it back i grab your
infinity loop. i kiss you for eternity.
your hand burns.

our wax lips melt together.
the red crayons and the hersheys kisses
i hid inside my brain are fusing.
say you'll kiss me, one more


i thought i saw you in the back of a cop car
but the handcuffs are on me now.

stone breaths

standing frozen. standing, a statue, caught in the mirror, carved out of fear, and you the sculptor.

unyielding marble skin, cold breath, and fissures in the neck; even lead will turn to diamond under pressure.

the atmosphere grows heavy. it soaks up the omnipresent sweat from your forehead, the bad intentions on your breath, and pushes on my shoulders while Vanity holds your hand and helps to pull me

into your lap. i stare. you smirk.

the solar system is now a geocentric model and the center of all gravity shifts to us. we pull the walls of the room down as it collapses in on itself. i cannot breathe. nothing can stop us now.

"you've always loved me. don't lie to me." the atmosphere greedily absorbs the weight of your words. there is not enough air in the room.

rocks. rocks. rocks. rocks everywhere -
i've always hated the feeling being a toy.

"next time can you scream?"
yes and no. yes i can. no i cant. somehow i cant. i can and i want to but i cant and i want to but i cant and i want to but i am frozen, fear is cold and panic is stone.

repressing something for the hundredth time

talking into my own spine, fingers crossed, eyes rolled back,
gazing into heaven
i hear nothing but a distant and incessant C sharp beep
and the crack of my wings
breaking at the base again
breathing through my ears, shoulders tense,
a scream in the back of my throat
rips at the cords in my
bruised neck
coughing, choking on feathers
teeth breaching my lower lip
an end by this hand
a deadpan stare at my fate


butterflies resting on the dead man's skull.
"you don't know what someone is capable of
until their hands are around your neck
and it's happening."
butterflies resting on the dead man's skull.

there's something calming about being in love with you.
"you have to run, now."
"no. she would never hurt me."
"you never know, you can never really know.
i'm begging you, please, leave before it's too
"i won't.
i'd like to think i wouldn't mind dying by her hand anyway."
there's something calming about being in love with you.

this shit again, huh?

a train six thousand miles away that comes speeding back at seven thousand miles per hour and crashes through my cold bedroom walls -

i was praying for another night like this.
she was asleep.

counting lines on college ruled pages, it's useless counting how many times
i've thought of you, but
i hope i've thought of her twice as much.
i always need someone to posses me because i cannot take responsibility for my own actions
and words and thoughts
without someone to answer to i have


let go

of me.

another breath lost to the limitless chasm that opens up and spans the small time of the infinite years i knew you; as the memories are downloaded from cloud storage they overload my brain and my heart speeds up and slows down in a standoff with itself, guns are drawn and loaded with shells and empty threats; this is a hostile area -

i will never know if she woke up
but i thought i heard her voice.

- pulls me into the current, cast me away as the cogs defy their rusted state and lurch counterclockwise, pausing momentarily for me to hit my head on the thought of your face, your skin, your voice, and i never wanted to remember this

i am dying, i swear i am i promise i really am i hope i am

my weak arms clutch my pillow and a tie-dyed plush.
this body trembles in fear,
speech lost to confusion,
throat closed and eyes wet
with emotion.
really, how is this different from five, six years ago?

how many times will i rephrase this?
you touched me too many times
and somehow it's still
not enough

don't ever come back.

Monday, October 31st, 2016

It doesn't feel so much like falling as it does being ripped out of the sky. Until they fall, they only know of gravity's definition and have never experienced it. Gravity is for the humans. Gravity is an accursed marker, a mythical beast that shoots up through the clouds to claw their legs and smash them against the Earth as they snarl and struggle and cry.
It doesn't feel so much like falling as it does being humiliated. The ground speeds towards them with every passing second and they can do nothing to resist it - these ethereal, powerful, holy creatures have been victimized by gravity. Their wings flap along uselessly behind them. They will never use them again. It's a heavy feeling. Gravity always pulling down, bodies en masse, and the cage of bones that trap them inside, a constant reminder of their punishment.


time shoves against me
and all their hands merge together
they feel exactly the same

serpentine skin slithers up my leg
and i shiver and beg
"no, no"
and they laugh as i quiver
at the feeling of cold scales

throat bared against teeth
teeth bared against the room
demons followed me here
with you

time grinds against me
and hands are no longer mine
only yours

time slams against me
and the body is no longer mine
only yours



i don't want to be the kind
of person to wake up and cry
but you scarred me and it hits me
in waves at 5am

the taste of salt
is always stuck on the back of my tongue
no matter how much i drink
since whiskey is not strong enough
and neither am i


i've been sewing my wig of angel hair,
plucking feathers from the backs of the fallen,
tattooing crosses and prayers on my thighs.

shut my eyes and take another shot of holy water,
cross my fingers and jump -
praying i finally fly

summer heat

tired eyes bruised by turbulent dreams
another set of sheets soaked in sweat
i wake up to you throwing punches at yourself
muttering again
hushed curses by the thousands
but anything you say is music
so i listen as closely as i can
with fingers on glass, cords wrapped
around my neck
holding tightly to the shards
of a window
running through the door
to our truth


all of the energy -
i am it and it is me
perhaps my name is vibrating
and it does not matter,
because no one will ever call for me -
a low sound, sung sweet
by the gods and galaxies -
if i spoke it would shatter
the awe-filled peace,
the universe by piece,
and all of my skin sheets,
so i let the warmth gather
and listen to the trees
and the way we both sing
and i let myself sleep
because i'm completely in tatters


today is everything
run headfirst head over heels
heels over head tumble
into the current
into the movement
the overwhelming rush

and you pull me along
run headfirst over my head
pedal slammed down
get to the point
get to the end
no time take me with you

it's cold I shiver and shake
am I anxious or freezing (over dramatic)
in my thoughts I am
running everywhere
they are running to
nowhere, to me and to you

it doesn't make sense
I need to talk about it
my mouth closes my words
stop working
stop thinking breathing living
a flow of nonsense shuts off

I want to live forever
I wish I had never existed
high low yes absolutely not ok
everything at once
everyone is here and gone
I am God, I promise you I'm nothing


keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer
let my skin wrinkle
and dry

keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer
let the months keep
ticking by

keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer

keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer

cycles looping for eternity
each day is closing in on me
you keep running from everything
your words have been carved into me

keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer

keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer

keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer
let me promise again
and cry

keep reaching further down
keep waiting longer
watch the sun rise
one more time


sweet sweet sweet
hangnails i cry when i brush my face
bite my fingers to keep from
breathing in chemicals
deep breathing, deep breathing,
in a room full of purple fumes
foggy head, soggy memories
wet wet wet
soaked all the way through
drowned to the bone
clouded mirror but it clearly shows
deep blue bruises around my neck
yellow green and gray and
licked by lavender soothe my aches
and pains by myself because
i only have myself once again
once again i only have myself
sad sad sad
fill up with sweets
get out of the wet rain
live in a lavender field
nothing but bees and clouds and
clouded memories,
never see my bruises again

dear god

antihistamine bed
eyes half open for a lucid dream
"hi," high, "hey god,
can you hear me"
my throat is blistering

benadryl laced breath
blood and the ocean rushing in my ears
sit up, get up, oh god,
light is in years
just in my vicinity
angels touch my wrists

kiss my scars,
my throat is swelling
whisper to my ceiling
"i swear i tried
but i told lies and my tongue and my eyes
are ruined, i'm heavy,
i've seen people die"

angels in my loft
brush my hair and kiss my forehead
and say, "sweet child,
your own vagueness is your downfall.
take yourself down, out of
mysteries, you are no enigma."

god in my head
speaks through the whole world at once
"it will get harder."
"it will get harder."

angels kiss my wrists.
"it will get harder."


blood in the back of my throat
side stabs, memory lapse,
sensory overload
fresh red wax, copper coated tongue
needles and pins, blueberry shins,
rice that's overdone

now she holds my hands
and kisses my scrapes,
whispers "shh, it's okay
baby, you know i love you"
i say "i know,
i'm sorry, sometimes
it's hard to remember,
but - can you say it again anyway?"
"i love you"
"i love you too"

powdered sugar dusting
cherry cheeks are rich and sweet
hersheys kisses in warm pastries
brand new bandaids, mouthwash
almond lotion for my callused hands and mind

trauma has a strange taste


flower girl wilts
her color fades
from purple to green-gray
magic fails and lies come out -
desperate to be pure, desperate to have her own way,
desperate to hold on forever and make everyone stay

gold tarnishes
sparkles smear all over a dirty face
long nails crack as they hit the floor -
off of your egotistical pedestal.
you cannot fly out of reach.
you cannot smile or cry
as an apology."

nature witch disintegrates
into the gaps between the moss clumps
home before, home now, home forever
"come home.
you've done hurtful deeds
and proven your selfish heart -
you had your chance to change and be of worth.
rotting men and selfish children go back to the dirt."


less delicate with each passing year
but ever so fragile, your petit fours
are crumbling, caviar rotting,
cavities festering, time
is your thief and benefactor

bequeathed with
dirt under your bitten fingernails,
the riches of lifetimes
in your memory are enough;
gold is high in demand
and silence abounds

your hair tangles
are caught in cobwebs
dust off your trinket shelves
and clean yourself up

you wait to be saved
you wait for anyone
to break down your door in your fortress
that you made yourself, you wait
for someone to fall in love with your shell
and you won't even open a window

ready to fall apart at any moment

put your useless hands to work
sew yourself up


it's skin-and-bones
meat deep below the surface
and you know how to find your way in
nothing here, nothing to see
a shaking body and clenched teeth
weakly roll over, weekly roll out of bed
i'm wed to six year old promises
while i can't remember you loving me
ten minutes ago, i did not exist
transience is the only option
flew right through me
my shoulder cracks and my legs wobble
scare me again like that and i'll die, i'll die,
hold me when the floor is poisoned,
hold me when i can't stand up,
hold me when i push away
eyes narrowed teeth bared red faced
lay down first, hold me when i'm tired
and i'm skin-and-bones
and there's nothing to see here,
nothing but exhaustion
and a victim complex,
black and white thinking
that all or none of you is perfect
beneath my surface there is
nothing to see here
so i look at you instead


heaven's touch is icy and soft
cold hands, cold eyes,
silk skin from the lotions your ex still mails you
papercuts from the letters your boyfriend mails you
kisses on your fingers from your girlfriend
i just want to make you happy
early sundays on hard church pews
and your perfume on my worn out jacket
hands hidden, hands barely holding us together,
glory glory, hallelujah!
don't laugh because they don't know, laugh because they can't stop us
praise god, grandmothers' church vans full of angelic children
angels in your heart, angels kiss your forehead,
angels in your ripped sheets, in your stained bed
late nights of skype calls
and secondhand lies
childish eyes can't see everything
sleep, pretty angel, sleep,
and you pray that you'll forget me
and i pray that i'll remember you


the lights are dimming and my head is swimming
fish in my eyes sand in my ears
a plunge and I cannot handle
the deep sea pressure of
my own thoughts swim swim swim
have fun! the imagined summer sun
burns me I am pale I am fragile
I am barely holding together
what kind of glue fixes porcelain
this is getting old, antique,
not even quaint or cute or vintage just
old and decaying and quickly dissipating
a fine dust spreads when a piece of me
shatters again it doesn't matter
there are so many more of me
I can't see what broke the light dims as I sink
further further further down into the sea
my hands how they tremble I am scared and alone
and it won't end with morning
and it won't end with night
and I am swimming swimming drowning
inside myself


the rings I gave you transformed into promises,
and as you fiddled with them on their chains
your small fingers wore them thin and they

deep and grounding dreams that kept me high
and kept you distant
were too big for your tiny frame
and our young eyes to see in perspective
to a grand scheme

navy blue and red
late nights and bunk beds
dark eyes and letters absorbed,
poems memorized and the words echo in my mind
because we could not stare at each other instead

soft moans, arched backs,
wet fingers and whispered secrets
and anything, anything for you
and nothing for me

I can't remember
why you promised anything

but it was nice while the silver polish
shined on your thin metal bands
the green stain became more a part of me than you
a cheap artificial vein

as much as I have been trying to change
you have done nothing and stayed the same
waste your life away
get wasted and stay away

the hole in your heart is a library shelf
where you took off your rings and left them there,
diamonds and the thought of me
and you traded them for seventeen joints
and a month of apathy

get high to keep yourself away from me
it would've been less painful
if you'd admitted you didn't love me


your weight on top of me,
suffocating me like the panic that
grips me, like your hands
that tighten around me,
strong steel beams and nothing
will bring them down and I
can't scream -
your voice in my ears,
just water and sand that I
can't stand and I
can't breathe because I've been
drowning in your power,
charisma and chances and here
I am at the peak of desperation
and the bottom of this year,
an ocean of memories and I
am having trouble swimming
up, I can't move I am
frozen in this moment
under your weight,
in your sight,
choking on your breath -
I can't wash it off me,
the stench of sex and misery
and desperation and I
cannot scream -

my shower took three hours
and I cannot begin
to explain why


there is a subtle lack of heroism
in the choice of words
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silence from downstairs
sleep with the crickets and snakes
and never wake
up the stairs (you stomp) and your heaving breaths scream RAGE!
my trained ears can hear it all and
every time i do i am terrified
my heart slams in my chest
a slammed door and a slamming memory of being blamed
for the hole in the wall
when it was taller than i was and would ever be
five and twenty five and you won't take responsibility
twenty five and you frame a child who is learning how to read
who heard the bad things but refused to believe

the war is over
all you can do is
talk about the war, dream about the war, write about the war -
forget about the damn war
you are not the veteran.
he is out of bed and the doctors
don't rush to his side anymore.
the faithful three hour car rides
are over
gripping the steering wheel, pretend to prepare for disaster,
the speedometer tips 90 but your heart goes faster
and nothing could ever ready you
for losing even one battle
in his unsteady chest

you think of yourself as
the new jesus, you martyr,
don't make me your white knight
i cry when he looks at me
but you mistake it for overwhelming passion
when it's
years of repression;
i am afraid
that neither of us have what it takes

all i remember is the screaming
and the yelling
we all disappeared for three weeks
and life was in limbo
my father cried on my shoulder
and it turns out that neither of you love me

i still cross my fingers
and hope you never come back
when did i stop praying before bed
on my knees whispering "please don't be mad at me"
when did i stop asking god to make me invisible
so he wouldn't see me

there is a subtle lack of heroism
in the choice of action:
The Best Way To Miscommunicate
How To Pretend To Fix Mistakes
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Until They Fuck Up Everything-
they were life altering for me
i am your breathing mistake
i am all the damage you've done
forgotten about again because i am not your son
but a novelty gun
discovered by bored children,
fired once and never touched again

eighteen years
its been raining thirteen
the spark
finally goes out


a whole world inside my head
trapped inside my body
that garden in my chest
the heaven in my heart and
the hell in my head
a whole world, oceans and canyons and mountains
and I travel it every day
and I never pay attention
to the ones in front of me
I promise I
never write poetry

you're far too close to me,
so, and I almost didn't
notice I'm not even
here and the joke
isn't me, it's you,
for once the joke is on you
I want to know how it feels to
play someone else

spiders on my shoes and
dirty backpacks stuffed with
broken pencils, dead batteries,
you think it all means something
but it's all frivolity and boredom
and idle hands and feet and the joke
isn't me, it's on you
I'm late again and
this isn't fucking poetry,
the joke's on you

more talking and talking
as if I care at all, as if it didn't go
right over my head, over the
mountains and oceans and
canyons between the door and
my seat, my house and
my feet, how many times
do I have to repeat
this isn't fucking poetry
I am crying and the joke
is on me


i. injection
chemical imbalances unbalancing me I'm staggering my head is swimming my eyes are stinging
push me around push me down a face full of dirt a mouth full of my own words and my own death
bury me in my own toxic thoughts
it is all in my head again, I'm burning myself, toxic chemical burns and the package warned me not to open the battery
but I was curious
chemical imbalance, chemical rebalance, chemical emotions and equations and rearranges of myself
hold me down force me down I cannot move I cannot breathe
fill me with love nothing but love, I want to live I want to love, I want to live, I want to love
the dirt is clogging up my mouth I can't breathe I'm suffocating I'm killing myself, I want to live
fill me with love and nothing but love, a needle of love and a chemical imbalance rebalance with a needle of love, I want to live
I want to love
a grudge washed out with a chemical, dirt dug out with a saline flush, I cannot breathe, I want to live
a syringe like my finger, there is so much love I cannot stand it and I'm going to explode, I want to live, I want to love, nothing but love
I want to love

ii. rejection
shut up shut down the gates are closing and cracking open over and over again
the walls are not strong enough I build new ones to protect myself my body has mechanisms,
defending myself from myself, keeping myself from fixing myself, don't I know what's best for me
this is what I need this is what I have to have, love and love and nothing but love, I need love and give love and be love
and be loved
take out the syringe my skin is swelling my eyes are welling my throat is closing my lungs are exploding
I want to live I want to love, let me have love, let me be loved
my head is spinning my chest is throbbing my arms are pricking my mind is imploding
shut my mouth and suffer in silence, stitch it closed with the thread of the threat of being alone, cross over and over and over again
my body is spasming I am shaking I will not let it out I have to love I will love and be loved, I want to live, I want to love
I want to live but I'd rather love

earthly shell

tiny lines encircle me
latitude and longitude,
highways and rivers on my hands
and faces
a map on this body
and i still do not know
where to go

there are forests and woods,
canyons and caverns,
ravines and valleys;
so much on the surface,
so much nothingness

so much space inside of me,
a perfect casing
to encompass the earth,
a perfect size
to house the whole world
to have something inside
i must have everything
to be whole


the week drags on
i wait for the hands to stop
a garden of emotions and
my nervousness a weed
a poison oak threatening to
burst out of my chest

its cage is cracking under pressure

take all the sugar and
let it ruin me again
let it fool me into thinking
that i'll be okay
i'll be in the hospital again
burning from the inside out

i feel dizzy and i'm shaking already

and then i'll tell you
i love you anyways
then i'll tell you
that i don't care
whatever you do, i'll stay
i'll be fine and i don't mind

i probably deserve it
and you're completely justified

the day drags on
i'm waiting for the scissors
cut the ribbon
let the curtain fall
i'm waiting for the big reveal
show me i've been played again

tell me the truth, tell me i'm worthless

eat all of the chocolate at once
no more self-control,
nothing matters if i'm right
on this one tell me i'm wrong
for once i'm praying
prove me wrong

and what will i do if he was right

my stomach is sick
and you're stuck in my head
"i love you" but what if
i never hear you say it again
what if you leave me
and none of it matters in the end

do i even deserve to say your name
like any part of you is mine

ride up

tie my
around my neck
no one
comes to check

say it
under your breath
i'm not
too impressed

take advantage
we're so tired
how cruel are you to me

breathe in
the rush
to survive
out back
no one
looks alive

slam the
doors shut
in a dizzy haze
through the
sweat of
summer days

and while these scabs are itching
your rope burns hurt my stitching
can't sit up fighting
when the streetlights and the concrete
aren't too inviting

take advantage
we're so tired
how cruel are you to me
risk the low end
climb too high
will you push me down again

take advantage
we're so tired
how cruel are you to me
love the ride up
tie me down
i've ruined myself again


and the hands point at me
at 6pm
they swivel around and
point at themselves

and the ticking just echoes
at 7pm
i don't wear a watch but
i feel it prick

and the batteries are low
at 8pm
the food is gone and
the lights are off

and everything dies
at 9pm
the floor is cold and
my fingers bleed

and my lungs burn
at 10pm
my eyes are red and
my bones crack

and the lock is broken
at 11pm
i lost the key and
it's been a year

and the eyes point at me
at 12am
someone is there
they wont stop staring

and the hands point at me
at 8am
they swivel around and
laugh at me

and the hands point at me
at 6pm
they swivel around and
point at themselves


a coldness that bites my skin
the sunset stretches to infinity
a darkened sky
the color of almost-night
something is ending and i'm not sure why
the color of your chapped lips
you shiver
your mouth is frosted
it does not stop your words
my veins are frozen
i pretend i hear your words
my ears are ringing and numb
i already know what you said -
purple, like violets look radiant at night,
the flowers on a fresh dug grave bloom bright
like a bruise that appeared when you failed in flight
a lipstick stain from an orchid fairy
with a lilac tongue and dahlia wings
and skin that makes the nightshade sing -
i'm sorry, but you can't kiss it better
i am my own favorite color
and you can never take that away from me


my fingers are useless
it's hard to stand up

where has the rest of the world gone
only your voice ringing in my head

"i love you"

the sky, condensed
the ground, sublimated

the world, like water
slipping through my hands

your words, like sand
stuck inside my ears

when will i forget
the things that you said

i can't look away, can't move my head
your hands are so strong, they won't release

let me go, i don't want to go
let me go, let me go

you don't love me

when will i remember that
i don't love you

go go go

let me outrun my feelings
i forgot i don't exist but
for some reason i can't let
hit the gas pedal and
never look back
screaming all the way just
72 hours and my throat is sore
soar through time and space
i am lost but i have to
73 hours and my wrists are sore
if they see they'll laugh at me
so i have to
74 hours and my head still hurts
i smashed it into the wall,
and i don't remember why i can't let them know
get rid of myself
get rid of who i am
get rid of me because i am fake
get rid of me because i am not real
get rid of these memories
get rid of who's inside of me
get rid of who's in that body
get rid of my soul
get rid of my feelings
get rid of me because i have to


the medicine was supposed to taste like cherries
the laugh track grates against my eardrums
"you're just jealous"
i'm hungry and they're not
i swear to god i live on my own irritation and fear
"you're just jealous"
define the damn word and we'll see
it's a dull pain in my stomach that never leaves -
everyone else, dancing in the snow and singing carols in summer -
everyone else, with friends around the fireplace heaters
everyone but me, sitting in the pews and hearing the same sermon
over and over and over and over and over -
"it's more than a night" they say over IV beeps
"money is tight" so i don't get to eat
my own mind is running away from my body
someone tell me what "jealous" really means
"you're just jealous"


my eyelids are heavy
my train of thought is slow and
i keep losing it
i need to

restart, please -
i can't find the button
i need to dream
for a moment

i can't go to sleep
i can't go to sleep
i swear i've been awake
for years on end

i can't go to sleep
i can't go to sleep
the drifting sensation
won't return again

i can't go to sleep
i can't go to sleep
perhaps i'm only allowed
to dream when i'm dead

i can't sleep i can't sleep i can't sleep


the fire consuming everything
hot flames that are the end
behind my eyes
blinding me once again
burning, surging
words flow through my veins
up to my mouth
flash through my eyes and the air around me
i bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds
repent for my mistakes while making another-
searing pain
my skin reveals
pure anger in me
my skin reveals
pink from its lashings
those words that feel so good on your tongue,
red like crying eyes, sweet like cherries,
you let them loose, let them roll off,
you love to taste them but don't think,
don't see it embed itself into my skin,
don't ever consider it could hurt me that way