injection/rejection

i. injection
chemical imbalances unbalancing me I'm staggering my head is swimming my eyes are stinging
push me around push me down a face full of dirt a mouth full of my own words and my own death
bury me in my own toxic thoughts
it is all in my head again, I'm burning myself, toxic chemical burns and the package warned me not to open the battery
but I was curious
chemical imbalance, chemical rebalance, chemical emotions and equations and rearranges of myself
hold me down force me down I cannot move I cannot breathe
fill me with love nothing but love, I want to live I want to love, I want to live, I want to love
the dirt is clogging up my mouth I can't breathe I'm suffocating I'm killing myself, I want to live
fill me with love and nothing but love, a needle of love and a chemical imbalance rebalance with a needle of love, I want to live
I want to love
a grudge washed out with a chemical, dirt dug out with a saline flush, I cannot breathe, I want to live
a syringe like my finger, there is so much love I cannot stand it and I'm going to explode, I want to live, I want to love, nothing but love
I want to love

ii. rejection
shut up shut down the gates are closing and cracking open over and over again
the walls are not strong enough I build new ones to protect myself my body has mechanisms,
defending myself from myself, keeping myself from fixing myself, don't I know what's best for me
this is what I need this is what I have to have, love and love and nothing but love, I need love and give love and be love
and be loved
take out the syringe my skin is swelling my eyes are welling my throat is closing my lungs are exploding
I want to live I want to love, let me have love, let me be loved
my head is spinning my chest is throbbing my arms are pricking my mind is imploding
shut my mouth and suffer in silence, stitch it closed with the thread of the threat of being alone, cross over and over and over again
my body is spasming I am shaking I will not let it out I have to love I will love and be loved, I want to live, I want to love
I want to live but I'd rather love

earthly shell

tiny lines encircle me
latitude and longitude,
highways and rivers on my hands
and faces
a map on this body
and i still do not know
where to go

there are forests and woods,
canyons and caverns,
ravines and valleys;
so much on the surface,
so much nothingness
underneath

so much space inside of me,
a perfect casing
to encompass the earth,
a perfect size
to house the whole world
to have something inside
i must have everything
to be whole

2/14

the week drags on
i wait for the hands to stop
a garden of emotions and
my nervousness a weed
a poison oak threatening to
burst out of my chest

its cage is cracking under pressure

take all the sugar and
let it ruin me again
let it fool me into thinking
that i'll be okay
i'll be in the hospital again
burning from the inside out

i feel dizzy and i'm shaking already

and then i'll tell you
i love you anyways
then i'll tell you
that i don't care
whatever you do, i'll stay
i'll be fine and i don't mind

i probably deserve it
and you're completely justified

the day drags on
i'm waiting for the scissors
cut the ribbon
let the curtain fall
i'm waiting for the big reveal
show me i've been played again

tell me the truth, tell me i'm worthless

eat all of the chocolate at once
no more self-control,
nothing matters if i'm right
on this one tell me i'm wrong
for once i'm praying
prove me wrong

and what will i do if he was right

my stomach is sick
and you're stuck in my head
"i love you" but what if
i never hear you say it again
what if you leave me
and none of it matters in the end

do i even deserve to say your name
like any part of you is mine

ride up

tie my
boredom
around my neck
downstairs
no one
comes to check

say it
softer
under your breath
upstairs
i'm not
too impressed

take advantage
we're so tired
how cruel are you to me

breathe in
the rush
to survive
out back
no one
looks alive

slam the
doors shut
in a dizzy haze
through the
sweat of
summer days

and while these scabs are itching
your rope burns hurt my stitching
can't sit up fighting
when the streetlights and the concrete
aren't too inviting

take advantage
we're so tired
how cruel are you to me
risk the low end
climb too high
will you push me down again

take advantage
we're so tired
how cruel are you to me
love the ride up
tie me down
i've ruined myself again

relapse

and the hands point at me
at 6pm
they swivel around and
point at themselves

and the ticking just echoes
at 7pm
i don't wear a watch but
i feel it prick

and the batteries are low
at 8pm
the food is gone and
the lights are off

and everything dies
at 9pm
the floor is cold and
my fingers bleed

and my lungs burn
at 10pm
my eyes are red and
my bones crack

and the lock is broken
at 11pm
i lost the key and
it's been a year

and the eyes point at me
at 12am
someone is there
they wont stop staring

and the hands point at me
at 8am
they swivel around and
laugh at me

and the hands point at me
at 6pm
they swivel around and
point at themselves

purple

a coldness that bites my skin
the sunset stretches to infinity
a darkened sky
the color of almost-night
something is ending and i'm not sure why
the color of your chapped lips
you shiver
your mouth is frosted
it does not stop your words
my veins are frozen
i pretend i hear your words
my ears are ringing and numb
i already know what you said -
purple, like violets look radiant at night,
the flowers on a fresh dug grave bloom bright
like a bruise that appeared when you failed in flight
a lipstick stain from an orchid fairy
with a lilac tongue and dahlia wings
and skin that makes the nightshade sing -
i'm sorry, but you can't kiss it better
i am my own favorite color
and you can never take that away from me

ethereal

my fingers are useless
it's hard to stand up

where has the rest of the world gone
only your voice ringing in my head

"i love you"

the sky, condensed
the ground, sublimated

the world, like water
slipping through my hands

your words, like sand
stuck inside my ears

when will i forget
the things that you said

i can't look away, can't move my head
your hands are so strong, they won't release

let me go, i don't want to go
let me go, let me go

you don't love me

when will i remember that
i don't love you

go go go

let me outrun my feelings
i forgot i don't exist but
for some reason i can't let
go
hit the gas pedal and
never look back
screaming all the way just
go
72 hours and my throat is sore
soar through time and space
i am lost but i have to
go
73 hours and my wrists are sore
if they see they'll laugh at me
so i have to
go
74 hours and my head still hurts
i smashed it into the wall,
and i don't remember why i can't let them know
get rid of myself
get rid of who i am
get rid of me because i am fake
get rid of me because i am not real
get rid of these memories
get rid of who's inside of me
get rid of who's in that body
get rid of my soul
get rid of my feelings
get rid of me because i have to
go

everyone

the medicine was supposed to taste like cherries
the laugh track grates against my eardrums
"you're just jealous"
i'm hungry and they're not
i swear to god i live on my own irritation and fear
"you're just jealous"
define the damn word and we'll see
it's a dull pain in my stomach that never leaves -
everyone else, dancing in the snow and singing carols in summer -
everyone else, with friends around the fireplace heaters
everyone but me, sitting in the pews and hearing the same sermon
over and over and over and over and over -
"it's more than a night" they say over IV beeps
"money is tight" so i don't get to eat
my own mind is running away from my body
someone tell me what "jealous" really means
"you're just jealous"

red

the fire consuming everything
hot flames that are the end
behind my eyes
blinding me once again
burning, surging
words flow through my veins
up to my mouth
flash through my eyes and the air around me
i bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds
red
raw
repent for my mistakes while making another-
searing pain
my skin reveals
pure anger in me
my skin reveals
pink from its lashings
lacerations-
those words that feel so good on your tongue,
red like crying eyes, sweet like cherries,
you let them loose, let them roll off,
you love to taste them but don't think,
don't see it embed itself into my skin,
don't ever consider it could hurt me that way